“Mom Guilt”- It’s CIRS dirty little secret.
"Mom guilt"- it's chronic illness dirty little secret. Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome (AKA Mold Illness) creates it's own special flavors of parental guilt. Worries around our parenting are often present long before CIRS invades our lives and then kaboom- chronic illness sets that kindling on fire. Even worse, we feel alone in these painful feelings. The associated shame silences us. The shame often becomes yet another painful part of our lives.
I have some ideas about why this guilt so often plagues parents. Guilt gives us agency. Guilt- as uncomfortable as it is- gives us the sense we are in control. If we could just get well, parent differently, tweak this, change that, the painful reality we are living in could be altered. It can be helpful to notice when we are feeling guilty, to consider if this guilt is legit. Did we do something truly wrong? And if not, contemplate if we are trying to gain a sense of control via taking a ride on the guilt bus.
One thing I know for sure- Rarely are BAD parents worrying about their parenting. Your worries, your desires to show up differently for your kiddos when you have the expanded capacity to do so speaks to your health as a parent. Remind yourself often that you are a good parent having a terribly hard time. You didn't ask for this shit show of CIRS. Be gentle with yourself. You are in survival mode. One beautiful CIRS patient recently shared in our Community Support Circle that her family isn't what she thought it would be AND that together they have created something beautiful.
When we look at research on attachment and parenting, studies show you need to be emotionally attuned only 30% of the time to establish a secure bond. Read that again. THIRTY PERCENT. I can go for that sort of percentage. That is enough room to offer myself grace for the imperfect, unattuned moments.
Lastly, perfect parents don't exist, and if they did, their perfection would leave no room for repair. Repair is an important experience for a child to have. Imperfection and the crankiness of chronic illness leaves MUCH room for repair. This teaches your child boatloads. It may also serve to correct generational challenges with grownups seeking to repair with their children when they miss the mark. This is no small feat.
Mostly, remember that parenthood is a mix- loving, longing, guilt, grief, joy. Chronic illness amplifies this. So again, the answer is likely always kindness and remembering that you are a good parent having a hard time.
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You can read about CIRS Shoemaker Protocol starting from the beginning at Step #1 here.
You can read more about Dr. Sparks’s journey as a medical provider hellbent on healing her own erythromelalgia here.
Read about Dr. Sparks’s healing her chronic inflammatory response syndrome (CIRS) and how that connects to EM here.
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